Best Friends

Best friend. A person that you can tell anything. A person that will have your back through good and bad. A person who you know so well that they are pretty much your sibling. Personally I don't think i have ever had a best friend. I had to google the definition to figure out what it was. I know when i was younger i threw this word around. every year it would be someone new. when i said it back then i don't think i knew what a best friend even meant. I have never been able to confine myself to anyone. There will always be a side of every story i will leave out and not tell a soul. i don't know why but i just can't trust anyone yet. i have  tried. i have tried telling some people secrets and they always end up released so that everyone can hear. i am just left out in the open raw and easily influenceable. i don't know why i don't trust people, but i just don't. when i think about telling another person the secrets that hide inside me it frightens me. i don't know who i can trust. its not that anyone has said any sort of big secret but it's all the times they have said the little things that bothered me. if i can't tell someone small things how i am i to trust them with the big. sometimes i just prefer to be by myself than with another person. i'd rather write down what i say and hide it away than have to confine it to another person. my secrets will be mine and no one else's forever. it's not that i don't have friends. i have many. i love them so dearly. i just. they're not my best friend and it bothers me, but i feel like i will know when i can trust a person. maybe I'm just really paranoid. maybe I'm insecure and i feel like i am not good enough to be another's best friend. i don't know. but i see it everywhere. i see so many best friends spend so much time together and i want that connection and yet i feel that i can't have it. maybe I'm just not meant to go to the mall and sleepovers and spend every open second with another person. maybe I'm just a lone wolf and that's how I'm supposed to be. i am always so happy to write in this blog ,and i confine more in this than i do to a living person so i guess in a way this blog is my pride and joy and my best friend. maybe whoever reads this is just like me. lost. maybe we could be best friends in some weird blog reading way. without even knowing. just through reading words on a computer screen. i don't know. and yet i don't feel empty without having a best friend. i have many friends and they occupy my time and keep me happy and alive. it confuses me. are they my hidden best friends that i have to slowly learn to trust. maybe I'm just to filled with many emotions and past experiences and things i've read and it's just fogging up my mind. that's an interesting thought. life is such a confusing thing. it intrigues me. how many other people think like me, i wonder.

xoxo the best friend that you never met