When I was little with the sparkle in my eye all I wanted to do was grow up. I wanted to get a job and be on my own. I dreamt about growing taller and driving a car. I tossed and turned thinking about all the stupid things I wanted to do and adventures I wanted to go on. I created a map in my mind and I believed that I was destined to follow it. So far that doesn't seem to be the case. Every year that I travel around the sun is a year I wish I could go back on. I want to reverse the clocks and make them go back. I want to go the direction everyone seems to run away from. Back. I wish I could believe all the things I used to. Find the magic in the things I once loved. Follow the map I so badly once wanted to follow. But then I grew up. In the blink of an eye Peter Pan stopped coming to my window and never land seemed off to the distance shining just as dimly as the ones surrounding it. Nothing special left to catch my eye. Wonderland turned from an escape in my head to a nightmare I couldn't seem to get out of. I feel as though I can't wake up as hard as I try to get out. All the shadows are pulling me down and there is no fairy godmother to get me out of the mess because all the fairytales have disappeared with the innocence and comfort. They are no longer my safe haven. They are something I want to get away from because they are so off from reality that they are driving my mind insane. It's as though I have a new set of dark eyes. Eyes that tint everything that is to be seen. Shadowing all the light. Creating black holes where the light shines strongly. Taking the glitter from the tunnels in my mind and creating empty hallways with no start or finish. Just mindless wandering for days forgetting what has to be done and has been done that can no longer be changed. I no longer see Peter but his shadow and he's taking me to a place that is not like the never land i once used to travel to when i felt the fairy dust fall over my tired eyes when the clock struck twelve.