Change

I feel like something that many people fear is change. it scares me just as much as it scares the next person. i am the kind of person that likes everything to stay the same. i like the feeling of security. the feeling that everything will always go the way i plan. it's like having a security blanket and i love it. but i have realized that i need change in my life. everything being exactly the same makes life boring. what is the point of living if i have nothing exciting to live for. i want to just be spontaneous. everyone else seems to be having a blast doing it so why don't i do it too. nothing crazy but just enough to make me lose my breath and make my dart beat just a little bit faster. when I'm old and frail i want to be able to look back on my life and have no regrets. i want to be in a rocking chair and take my last breath knowing that i did everything i wanted to do. i am starting small. i cut my hair. it may not seem like that big of a step but it took me so long to get myself to do it. I have had long hair since i was in 6th grade and three years later i finally cut a gigantic part of it off. i feels good to cut off all those daed ends off. it is as if i can just cut off everything that hurt me and the sadness of the last three years and just let it go. i can start over. and that sounds great. there are many things that scare me. for my entire life i have had tonsurophobia, which is the fear of haircuts. every time my mom tried to pull me toward a hair salon tears would waterfall out of my eyes and i would fall into a anxiety attack. the only haircuts i would get were from my mom and even then i would have a mental breakdown even if it was just a trim. but i faced that fear and changed it. i got a haircut. i didn't scream. i didn't cry. i didn't breakdown. i just told myself that it was just hair and i could do it. i canceled out all the voices in my mind and i did it. i got over a phobia that i thought i would never get over. if i can do it then everybody can.now i want to go even shorter ;) today during the school day i was talking to one of my friends and for some reason he showed me his wrists. and lined on his wrists were cuts. it broke my heart. what if he is not the only one i know who cuts. he is such an amazing person and it's scary. usually his wrists are covered with wristbands but today they were bare. exposed. he was so fragile and raw. it wasn't noticeable unless you actually look at it. how many other people saw it. did they say anything? it scares me and i can't stop thinking about it. I'm scared. i hope that will never be me. i hope that i will never get to the point where i am sad enough to harm myself. i just hope he stops.