072814

i really don't understand people sometimes. I'm always surrounded by them yet i feel so alone. it's a twisted concept but somehow it makes sense. i don't know why but i just don't tend to blend in. i don't like what everyone else likes. i don't care who is shipped with who or what the latest fashion trend is. and yet I'm still around. i just tend to mirror whatever seems to be around me. hope that none really notices. i'm scared of being left alone. i always need people around me. i just listen and wonder and analyze.  i don't think i have ever been fully comfortable around anyone. i like to make people think that i don't care and that i am brave and not shy. but i am the complete opposite. i have to force myself to talk to others. when i am in front of a group of people so many thoughts run through my mind. i feel all their eyes on me and i can feel them criticize and pick at everything that does not seem normal. my legs shake and shiver. i feel like i will fall if i am not holding on to something close by. i always push myself to be outgoing and talkative and then regret it. i let people push me around and i keep my thoughts to my self. i don't tell anyone my feelings and keep everything inside. dug deep inside. if it seems that i have let on it is just a cover story. some wear their heart on their sleeve. i wear my hear in my deepest pocket. i don't want people to worry about me when they have things they need to do and keep them busy. emotions can be easily covered and hidden and forgotten at times so why would i need to worry others around me. people may think that i will explode at one point and maybe i will but i highly doubt it. and if i do explode i highly doubt that anyone will notice. it is funny how the human mind works. how it gives people emotions and feelings that can make them or break them. life would be so much easier if people had no emotions.it would be like a picture book with no words. simple and effortless and easy to read. emotions cause conflicts and things that make life so much more complicated than it already is. it's quite odd. i also find it odd that it is easier for many people to cry for other people's problems then their own. its funny isn't it. i guess in a way they cry for their own problems subconciously. sometimes i wonder why i write all these things down for others to read. maybe for me writing is like crying. crying through my fingertips with words as my tears. i don't remember the last time i actually cried. maybe I'm not ok maybe i am i don't know. life is just so confusing and i have no idea how long this roller coaster is going to go up and down.