Midnight Thoughts

i love it. i love that feeling of doing something that makes your heart stop. the thing that you think back about and get shivers. risking everything and hoping that it will come out the way that you had planned because there is a chance that it won't. but then again that is a chance you have to take in every single living breathing moment of your life to make every decision that you make because everything results to something extraordinary. your life. it's weird to think that everything you do results to something else. the big and small. they lead to friendships and opportunities and so much more. they make you who you are. it's odd to think about. i mean one word that is spoken or action that is made can change lives. and we are the only ones who can control it. no one else. just us. i like that. i like that we have the power to make a change. maybe at first it's not giant, but little things add up. both good and bad. but the thing with taking chances is that it is nerve-racking and scary and intimidating. i mean personally it gives me anxiety because all i can think about is what will happen if i fail. the thought of failure frightens me. i don't want to let the people around me down even though i seem to do that quite often. as much as i try and try again i am just not meant to make people happy. i tend to mess up at everything and that is why i fear it so much.i hope and pray that for once i can do something right, but that doesn't seem to be an option. i just won't. the expectations put on me are so high and it makes me feel like i am falling down a deep dark rabbit  hole like the one from alice in wonderland except this hole never stops. i just keep falling and screaming and nobody can hear me and try to throw a rope down to help me up. i don't even think anyone tries.  i can only do so much and people expect so much more and i am not talented or exceedingly smart. i'm not even average. i'm just compared to those around me who are heaps and bounds above me and i try to be who everyone wants and expects me to be but i can't. so sometimes i just have to do things without thinking. sometimes shutting off your brain is the smartest thing for you to do. the brain is such a complicated thing. it controls everything in your body. that one thing has nerves that seems to connect to everything in your body and make you do everything you seem to do. i mean right now all of my thoughts and all the writing i am typing at this current moment; those are all signals that are coming from my brain simultaneously and i don't even have to think about or wait for it to process. it just comes immediately and I'm doing whatever i am doing. its as if everything is preprogrammed in your body before you are born and the first couple months that you are alive it just sharpens and all the wheels start to turn and you are off learning from everything you see around you. and then when you are thrown into the real world you realize that sometimes to survive in the unknown waters you have to force yourself out of your comfort zone and surprise yourself with all the things you never knew you had in you.